my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
