I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
