My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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