see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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