that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
