Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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