he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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