I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
