Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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