i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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