I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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