I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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