Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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