Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it glows. i had to have it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize