I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
