I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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