my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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