I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
