I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
