Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
