I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
