wrigley field is MILF paradise
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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