We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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