are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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