My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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