11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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