yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
handjob tips. give me some.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm too high and old for this...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
