thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
