Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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