Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I forget how to act sober
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
