Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
