honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
