Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
