Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You're like the curious george of whores
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
