Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
