Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's like iHOP with fire
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize