So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
