Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
