An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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