just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
