I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
