An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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