Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
