i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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