Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize