then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
