I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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