Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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