I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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