Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
