my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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