Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
