I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
