I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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