I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
