Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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