Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
did i walk over a car last night?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
