Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
