it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
