clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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