i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
