all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When are your genitals available?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
