I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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